So, mindfulness and meditation isn’t all warm fuzzy feelings. When you dig deep, you often dredge up some real junk. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always manifest while you’re sitting and ready to deal with it.
More and more I see my ego at work. I see emotions before they rise and they’re not all pleasant ones. The longer I sit with them lingering in the air like unwelcomed guests, the easier it is to name them for who they really are.
“Your ego wants to be stroked again. You want to be in control again. You’re judging that person to make yourself seem better again. You’re really just scared of being alone again. You’re really just scared of being a failure again…”
At least I see them now, I remind myself. At least I can do something about them instead of acting on them. At least I can edit before I press send.
So I should see it as progress or maturity, right? Maybe, but it still feels like crap! I can’t apologize for having an ego or feelings. It’s part of what makes us human.
Now I need to go sit with them for a bit. I don’t expect to get rid of them, but I want to get to know them, to make peace with them… and myself.